Sunshine and a few tears

Today has been a long day. It seems the time I get to write my blog gets later and later and will probably be a day behind itself soon lol.

The girls, since our chat last night, have been in a far better mood today - thankfully. I only wish that they'd told me earlier so that I could have put their minds at rest, but heyho, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I feel like home is a prison sometimes. I always knew that driving was my bit of me time, but it's not until recently I realised just how much I miss it. Hubby fought to keep his licence, and he has but it took a long time, and he had to jump through hoops to be able to keep it. This means that when we're going anywhere that he drives. It also means that if I get the car it's for a short five minute drive to the local village shop and back (where I see people and it feels like I'm having a trip out - sad isn't it. I feel like this when I go to the co-op for bits and pieces). Money is tight so I have to ask if I can use the car, so I can go a long time without getting out into my car for a little bit of freedom.

Today I spoke to the girls about maybe visiting Grandma tomorrow. This was a silly mistake. Hubby came home from his sister's house (he's allowed to go where he wants when he wants) and he told me that he'd arranged to go back tomorrow with our neighbour to do something with the lawnmower. Bang goes me going to see mum. So then I asked about maybe going to mum's on Monday. Nope. He'd arranged to go and do something and we'd be carless again. The reason we were going to mum's is because she bought us a new kettle today. The reason she bout us a new kettle today is because hubby is convinced that our kettle is boiling itself when it chooses. Electric is dangerous (probably where littley got the glitter lamp catching fire from), and we're only allowed to switch the kettle on at the wall when we're boiling it, otherwise it has to be switched off at the wall. "You can't be too careful with electric". I know this, but the kettle isn't boiling itself as and when it chooses. So mum bought us a new kettle for his peace of mind. Expensive bloody kettle when she's have to drive 120 miles round trip to deliver it... It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't mentioned to the girls about seeing Grandma, I could have got away with it, but I'd already spoken to mum about the maybe plan, so now she's having to come here because the girls were so disappointed they weren't going to see Grandma.

I'm so frustrated that I can't make any plans because even if I do they can be usurped by hubby without any reason or logic and if you don't go with the flow the fall out from trying to explain yourself about any made plans just makes it not worth doing what you had planned in the first place. Even the girls have noticed how daddy has to get his own way and about how unfair this can be. My eldest today commented to me about how all I seem to do is housework and meals and dishes and how I never get out of the house.

After telling me about me not being able to have the car (probably ever again the way he was talking) he went straight round to next door. I made tea only for him to tell me over our fence that I was not to make his yet because he'd get it later. Now this doesn't mean that I can make his tea and heat it up when he wants it, it means that his tea has to be made for when he wants it because he doesn't like heated up meals. So come half nine there I was making tea for him.

It's as if he doesn't want to be home. It's as if he tries to find ways of not being here. He barely speaks to us at the moment, but you can't shut him up with other people. I noticed tonight how we seem to be watching films and things on the tv that we used to watch when we got together. We sat and watched Titanic tonight - he hates films, but he sat watching it avidly telling me bits about the film that I wouldn't know about (although I did, I didn't let on that I did. I let him think he was telling me something new - is that cruel?). The thing that gets me is, because of his age his memories aren't what a seventy or eighty year old would have, and he is not only going to forget who the girls are, but he'll forget who I am too because he hasn't got the memories to boomf up what he forgets. Does that make any sense what so ever? We just seem to be having a blip at the moment. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes, but dear God its unsettling. x