Mixed bag.

Well where do I start with the after effects of yesterday's comments from me?

He went off to the shops, with a shopping list and Biggey - which is very unusual because he doesn't normally appreciate other people going with him, but recently he's asked his dad to go with him to shops and taking Biggey with him was as much as a suprise to her as it was to me. I think it's because he's starting to want a bit of back up incase he gets confused at the till.

He came back with shopping as mother and my sister arrived. He was on his best behaviour with smiles and laughing (another shock, because for years it's been very difficult when my mam's been here - the typical mother-in-law kind of thing) and he helped put the shopping away. We had a moment when he was worried about leaving some frozen meat out of the freezer so it could defrost for tea, worrying that it would go off before it was cooked and my sister stepped in and suggested that we put it in the fridge so that it would still be cold but wouldn't go off. Wow. Thanks Sis.

Mam went and took her dog for a walk and it was just us three grown ups with tiddly pops popping in and out through out the afternoon. Middley came in and had a shower and then went a bit over the top with some perfume she'd been given for Christmas, and hubby asked her what she was wearing. She went and got the bottle and then when I said maybe she should use a little less he came in with "well at least you smell nice Middley because your mum doesn't shower, doesn't wear deoderant or any perfume and she's always smelling horrid". That was nice, but we left it and said nothing.

There was another moment when I was stood at the back door and he shouted my name. I asked him what he wanted and he said "too late". So when I shut the door and came into the living room I was "useless. You are such a let down. You've let me down again, I can't rely on you and no, I'm not telling you what I wanted you for because I managed, so I can manage without you, and there's nothing stopping you going down home with your mother". Ok. Another comment left in open air.

My mother came back from the walk and we had a chat and a blether and ate some "broken biscuits" which makes me smile because hubby buys them and the girls love them. All four of them go through the box looking for whole biscuits - they've made it into a bit of a game and the result when they find one is smiles all round. Even when they find ones that daddy was looking for lol.

Mam and sis left, with the offer of coming home with them (bless) and I cracked on with tea. Tea was eaten in silence because he was back to "other hubby" mode and Middley had tears because he had said something, but I didn't catch what it was. 

After tea we did the dishes and tidied up from tea, putting table mats away and the condiments and then we sat down to watch The X Factor. It's something that we can all sit around and watch and hubby was on his laptop whilst working out his new business venture, which I'm not allowed to mention to anyone at all, but dear Lord...

I commented that one of the songs on The X Factor made me think of hubby. At the end of the programme he asked me why. The girls had gone to bed, for peace I imagine, and I put the song onto his laptop. It's the Goo Goo Doll's Iris. He asked me why and I said that the line "everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am" hit home with me. Again, why? It just makes me think of you. Tell me why? Hubby, the words just fit what I think of this illness you have. What is broken? Awkward silence... "You are broken, because of the Dementia". He asked me to play it again and he listened to the words and sang along, he never commented on my thoughts but he smiled at me.

We spent the rest of the evening listening to some of his favourite songs. We listened to The Pogues, The Dubliners, a bit of The Proclaimers (and their song "500 miles" to me is my hubby. Everything about that song is him. When he went to Australia he came home 3 months early just to be home with us. It is a song that I love and that makes me smile, but it can also make me cry too. I love it, and it's my hubby - I don't care what anyone else thinks lol). We even listened to a bit of Bagpipe music, don't tell me that didn't give the dog a fright lol. It was lovely and we went to bed together without any arguments or any rants.

This Dementia is an utter rollercoaster, it really is. You never know if you're going to be on a high or a low. Yesterday started off lower than low and ended up on a high. You can flip between one and the other faster than you can blink and you never know what's going to cause the highs or lows, it's an utter mystery but the highs outshine the lows. It's like a magic eraser that rubs out the lows. I don't know how because on the lows you are in despair, but a high comes along and you pretend that everything is "normal", you forget that in ten minutes, twenty minutes, a day, a week, a fortnight that everything could be back down on the ground, scraping along until the next high arrives. It's certainly not for the faint hearted and it's a ride you can't get off, but you grasp at the good times and convieniently "forget" the bad ones.