Hmmm - feeling sad, I think.

Dear God, I hate this effing illness called Dementia. It's like a ripple effect that causes waves. When I was younger I never thought that life would be this difficult. I think I would be dealing with illness far better if I didn't have to stress about finances all the time. I'm tired of it all. The bills keep a coming and the amount seems to increase constantly. A reversed direct debit can have a knock on effect that causes further direct debits to be returned and it's just a vicious circle.

This morning I bit the bullet, and rang people. I've had a very weepy morning, but the thing that has shone through is how kind the people on the other end of the phone were - which made me feel weepier (is that a word?). The bank lady even wiped the bank charges clean so that I wouldn't get charged the horrific amount that was causing me sleepless nights. The phone company have changed the direct debit date, the catalogue company (that I no longer use but it still has to be paid - let that be a lesson to you...) have agreed an amount that I can afford. For all it's been an emotional morning, and meant I've had to be honest and say "no, I can't manage that" or "yes, I can do that", and not feel embarrassed about the financial situation we're in, I feel like a grey cloud has been lifted. I have enough to worry about without money being an issue, but it's only people with money that say money isn't important. My husband thinks nothing of spending money on things we don't need or didn't know we didn't need, but that then comes out of my housekeeping money so that he hasn't paid for it, but it then means the shopping money is reduced and I still have a family of five to feed. I feel like such a failure to our girls. I am constantly saying "no" to things, I'd love to be able to say "yes", but it won't kill them, I know that. I just think that when they look back on their childhood they'll ask "what childhood". This illness called Dementia has a lot to answer for and doesn't just affect the person who's ill. The next person who tells me "don't worry - it could be worse, it could be cancer or someother such illness" will just get a smile from me and "I hope you never have to find out". Dementia just doesn't care. It doesn't mind if it destroys families, it's cruel, and I'm tired of feeling sad, not depressed but just sad. Painting on a happy face might fool people, maybe it's because they're happy to be fooled and live in the bubble where all is well. We close ranks in this house. We let them see what they're happy to see, cracks occur occasionally, but then you only truly see if you're looking, and until people start looking we'll just keep going.

I'm going to go for a shower, I'm going to put the slap on and I'm going to stick my fingers up to Dementia because it's only going to beat me if I let it - and I don't like being beaten. Dementia might have won a couple of battles, but I've won a few and although I won't win the war, I'll give it a bloody good go. xx